Impostor syndrome- had a neat discussion about this disorder after giving somebody a window into my mind... always good to get a fine psychoanalysis while working the B.B.Q... and i mean that, even though i realize that statement might be humerus.. i mean humorous. OK i went too far on that one and it took too much googling to get it right. By the way Google accepts the word googling. Why wouldn't it? The canada Lynx records dictionary has it's own code as well.
Where was i? Oh yes psychological disorders... The competent person who see's them self as never really knowing enough, deals with the incompetent person, who is incompetent, and thus not able to understand they they are incompetent. This always ends badly as one might be able to predict.
The interesting thing, to me, is that i never thought of an incompetent as not understanding their incompetence. There is a neat line there because often with incompetent people you assign malice to their incompetence and think they are a hater, but really they are just a dummy bumbling along unaware of the chaos they are causing, always wondering why one of their ideas didn't work out and chalking it up to bad luck. Where the competent person (with imposture syndrome) is aware of all of what they don't know and that preys on the brain's insecurities and causes one to think they don't know what they are doing so maybe they should listen to the incompetent who's gums are flapping.
I've never been one to suffer fools gladly, which is odd because i like to play the fool often times... it's about the comedy. But this discussion has given me some clarity on some levels... for example: A highly intelligent (which i am not) person who is very rarely wrong will often not be able to see when they are wrong because it hardly ever happens and so they can't recognize the feeling. It might not be that deep down they are arrogant ass holes, but just unable to concieve that they are wrong (in their own head). Not an act of malice, but one of ignorance, which they don't recognize and have ever learned to deal with.
For a moment i was thinking of doing a psychology degree, but then i remembered how fucking annoying that might become sitting in a large class of incompetent people each one of them trying to sound intelligent while i start hating their heads... visualizing a shark attacking them and bursting out laughing, which in turn might stop the dialouge and turn attention to myself being asked to explain my outburst and then explaining how i was envisioning a shark attack a small percentage of the class is highly amused, many are perplexed, some are angered and many are confused... and I'm that guy.
let's move on... I'm just having fun here people
I think I'll be playing a show tomorrow... it's a strange twist of fate, but that's how i roll.
I'm not going to tell you why, cause it's not too important to this particular line of thought... let's just say an outside force has prodded me to play some music live for a good reason. Good reasons being reasons that are good, of course. So it's been a while since i have set out to book a show... now i learned from my Railway residency that if you want something you should just ask for it... so i set out on the street to get a gig in short notice. I went to the neighbourhood places, cause if it works out and i get a spot to play i don't want to commute, plus the only people i know are in the hood... and i just think life should be that way. So i go into show booker mode, but i have an ace up my sleeve i think to myself. If you let me play here, you will get something good out of it, this i know... you will get publicity, the engine that turns the business world. Don't think I'm on some high horse here, I'm just a player at the table that got dealt a good hand one day and is ready to double up. The weird thing is i have kind of been in a semi-retirement for a year and a bit. But i know life, and i have seen it's paths and when an opportunity is presented to you you can meet it or find a reason why you can't.
Maybe it's a one time thing, maybe not.
The odd thing is the mindset i have gone through with regards to putting on a show... for one six hour period i was convinced that a 15 minute man show was required playing a few songs and some garden planting advise was the ticket... then when i ran into venues that might not be ready for me and busy with people who wanted to converse i was thinking i would just mime a set... which could represent the declining spirit and failure of the modern song smith as seen in this world troubled by rage, division, distraction and commerce.
Has that been done? Has anybody mimed a music set? I'm sure it's a good idea... maybe one for Portlandia. I have a few for them actually.
I think "team"... I'm like, i have a proposition for you... you need to let me do this here and this is what you will get... lets figure out what this is... let's make it weird, and good, it can be short, it's not about me, it's about us. It's hard to grasp... most people trying forcefully to get a gig usually think they might be owed something. So when a guy comes in with an idea they go through many of the musician based paranoia's... it can't be amplified!!! They say that because too many jackasses came in there and played at the decibel level of a jet engine... well they needed to rock and you can't take that from them right? There are many paranoia's, all of them justified.
The interesting thing is me getting a set together and thinking about including some of the new songs i have recorded and written about Portland. Writing a song on an 8 track and performing it solo in front of an audience that is not expecting you are 2 different things... but these are good struggles to have as a song curator. I use to swear by it... play songs live to develop them... it is a good idea for sure. It's just that not playing live is so good for my soul, or at least has been. But i am the caretaker of these songs, i need to do what's best for them, so this opportunity has re engaged that debate.
I don't believe in the "music scene", sorry, people out for themselves trying to pretend they care cause it will look good on them. It's not a music thing, it's a human thing, of course there are exceptions and i have no ill will towards anyone, we are all just doing what we are doing for the reasons that seem right in our heads... and that's the way it should be.
Maybe i play music live this weekend... why?
Because.
Where was i? Oh yes psychological disorders... The competent person who see's them self as never really knowing enough, deals with the incompetent person, who is incompetent, and thus not able to understand they they are incompetent. This always ends badly as one might be able to predict.
The interesting thing, to me, is that i never thought of an incompetent as not understanding their incompetence. There is a neat line there because often with incompetent people you assign malice to their incompetence and think they are a hater, but really they are just a dummy bumbling along unaware of the chaos they are causing, always wondering why one of their ideas didn't work out and chalking it up to bad luck. Where the competent person (with imposture syndrome) is aware of all of what they don't know and that preys on the brain's insecurities and causes one to think they don't know what they are doing so maybe they should listen to the incompetent who's gums are flapping.
I've never been one to suffer fools gladly, which is odd because i like to play the fool often times... it's about the comedy. But this discussion has given me some clarity on some levels... for example: A highly intelligent (which i am not) person who is very rarely wrong will often not be able to see when they are wrong because it hardly ever happens and so they can't recognize the feeling. It might not be that deep down they are arrogant ass holes, but just unable to concieve that they are wrong (in their own head). Not an act of malice, but one of ignorance, which they don't recognize and have ever learned to deal with.
For a moment i was thinking of doing a psychology degree, but then i remembered how fucking annoying that might become sitting in a large class of incompetent people each one of them trying to sound intelligent while i start hating their heads... visualizing a shark attacking them and bursting out laughing, which in turn might stop the dialouge and turn attention to myself being asked to explain my outburst and then explaining how i was envisioning a shark attack a small percentage of the class is highly amused, many are perplexed, some are angered and many are confused... and I'm that guy.
let's move on... I'm just having fun here people
I think I'll be playing a show tomorrow... it's a strange twist of fate, but that's how i roll.
I'm not going to tell you why, cause it's not too important to this particular line of thought... let's just say an outside force has prodded me to play some music live for a good reason. Good reasons being reasons that are good, of course. So it's been a while since i have set out to book a show... now i learned from my Railway residency that if you want something you should just ask for it... so i set out on the street to get a gig in short notice. I went to the neighbourhood places, cause if it works out and i get a spot to play i don't want to commute, plus the only people i know are in the hood... and i just think life should be that way. So i go into show booker mode, but i have an ace up my sleeve i think to myself. If you let me play here, you will get something good out of it, this i know... you will get publicity, the engine that turns the business world. Don't think I'm on some high horse here, I'm just a player at the table that got dealt a good hand one day and is ready to double up. The weird thing is i have kind of been in a semi-retirement for a year and a bit. But i know life, and i have seen it's paths and when an opportunity is presented to you you can meet it or find a reason why you can't.
Maybe it's a one time thing, maybe not.
The odd thing is the mindset i have gone through with regards to putting on a show... for one six hour period i was convinced that a 15 minute man show was required playing a few songs and some garden planting advise was the ticket... then when i ran into venues that might not be ready for me and busy with people who wanted to converse i was thinking i would just mime a set... which could represent the declining spirit and failure of the modern song smith as seen in this world troubled by rage, division, distraction and commerce.
Has that been done? Has anybody mimed a music set? I'm sure it's a good idea... maybe one for Portlandia. I have a few for them actually.
I think "team"... I'm like, i have a proposition for you... you need to let me do this here and this is what you will get... lets figure out what this is... let's make it weird, and good, it can be short, it's not about me, it's about us. It's hard to grasp... most people trying forcefully to get a gig usually think they might be owed something. So when a guy comes in with an idea they go through many of the musician based paranoia's... it can't be amplified!!! They say that because too many jackasses came in there and played at the decibel level of a jet engine... well they needed to rock and you can't take that from them right? There are many paranoia's, all of them justified.
The interesting thing is me getting a set together and thinking about including some of the new songs i have recorded and written about Portland. Writing a song on an 8 track and performing it solo in front of an audience that is not expecting you are 2 different things... but these are good struggles to have as a song curator. I use to swear by it... play songs live to develop them... it is a good idea for sure. It's just that not playing live is so good for my soul, or at least has been. But i am the caretaker of these songs, i need to do what's best for them, so this opportunity has re engaged that debate.
I don't believe in the "music scene", sorry, people out for themselves trying to pretend they care cause it will look good on them. It's not a music thing, it's a human thing, of course there are exceptions and i have no ill will towards anyone, we are all just doing what we are doing for the reasons that seem right in our heads... and that's the way it should be.
Maybe i play music live this weekend... why?
Because.
No comments:
Post a Comment