Well the night started off with a trip to the local Home Depo to return a toilet paper roll holder i had bought earlier. I managed to fix the old one after closer inspection but not before a quick impulse purchase where i thought i was "doing things".
You see i meant to look for fire mortar, but again my brain remembered something, and that was that we were out of toilet paper. Home Depo has toilet paper but i know where i can get it cheaper, and I'm not really the kind of person who thinks "well I'm here now, I'll just pay this"... No no, i have already justified the gas it took me to get there and my alternative route home that will put me by the place that sells cheaper toilet paper.
So i leave the store after eyeballing a few tools and forgetting about the fire mortar... So i get to my other large store and grab my toilet paper... the big ass 36 double roll all wrapped in enough plastic to kill a small marine colony ( i do recycle it thanks to New Seasons).
So I'm walking around the store with a big ass pile of toilet paper under my arm and i kind of remember a few people i know who feel uncomfortable buying toilet paper in public. So i do what we all do in that circumstance, and that is of course go into a dream sequence where you are doing a stand up comedy routine on the subject... "you know some people get embarrassed about buying toilet paper... what's up with that? you know if somebody were to see me carrying toilet paper and they are looking at me... what are they thinking... Is it, this guy cares about having a clean ass? If that's the case I'm OK with that..." It's different in a dream sequence because in the dream sequence you are always really funny and the comedy club is at capacity and they are laughing and you are on a roll... next thing you know your eye catches a blowout sale on ice cream bars.
The kids will like the ice cream bars after a hot day of school... and then i remember the kids lunches. They made their lunch for tomorrow and we are short on fruit, and also the neighbour down the street gave us some Italian Prune plums the other day and the kids loved them. A nice plum in the lunch would be a great thing i think to myself. So i get some apples (honey crisp) and i see braeburn and gala apples and i chuckle to myself about a song i wrote called Robertson's dream orchard, and then i look for the plums... and i can't find them. There i am pacing up and down the plum isle with the biggest load of toilet paper a man can get. Luckily there are 3 people stocking produce so i ask one guy "do you have any prune plumbs"... "Prune Plumb? What's that?" he said. Now my first reaction is a little shock... how could you work in produce in plum season and not know what a prune plum is? But i say with clarity "Italian prune plum a little purple plum shaped like a little football"... hint: when talking to Americans, if you can work in a football analogy you might get somewhere. "Prune plum" he said loudly and we go back over the plums and each plum pointed out to me is not a prune plum, so he asks a lady stocking peaches... "prune plum!" she exclaims... by this time a small crowd is gathering. Oh maybe in Organics... alas i think perhaps we are getting somewhere, but no there are no prune plumbs in the store... only me with the equivalent of 72 rolls of toilet paper and 3 store employees yelling "prune plum"! The one yells "do you need some prunes!" It is around this time I realize that beyond a shadow of a doubt i have become the main attraction in this part of the store and even a kind older lady quietly tells me where the Metamucil is stocked in another part of the store. "Are you sure these big purple plums won't work for you?" the first guy asks... "No thank you, the Damson plumbs are not the kind of plumbs my children would like in their lunch" i reply trying to salvage what bit of dignity i may have left at this point.
Anyway i saved money.
You see i meant to look for fire mortar, but again my brain remembered something, and that was that we were out of toilet paper. Home Depo has toilet paper but i know where i can get it cheaper, and I'm not really the kind of person who thinks "well I'm here now, I'll just pay this"... No no, i have already justified the gas it took me to get there and my alternative route home that will put me by the place that sells cheaper toilet paper.
So i leave the store after eyeballing a few tools and forgetting about the fire mortar... So i get to my other large store and grab my toilet paper... the big ass 36 double roll all wrapped in enough plastic to kill a small marine colony ( i do recycle it thanks to New Seasons).
So I'm walking around the store with a big ass pile of toilet paper under my arm and i kind of remember a few people i know who feel uncomfortable buying toilet paper in public. So i do what we all do in that circumstance, and that is of course go into a dream sequence where you are doing a stand up comedy routine on the subject... "you know some people get embarrassed about buying toilet paper... what's up with that? you know if somebody were to see me carrying toilet paper and they are looking at me... what are they thinking... Is it, this guy cares about having a clean ass? If that's the case I'm OK with that..." It's different in a dream sequence because in the dream sequence you are always really funny and the comedy club is at capacity and they are laughing and you are on a roll... next thing you know your eye catches a blowout sale on ice cream bars.
The kids will like the ice cream bars after a hot day of school... and then i remember the kids lunches. They made their lunch for tomorrow and we are short on fruit, and also the neighbour down the street gave us some Italian Prune plums the other day and the kids loved them. A nice plum in the lunch would be a great thing i think to myself. So i get some apples (honey crisp) and i see braeburn and gala apples and i chuckle to myself about a song i wrote called Robertson's dream orchard, and then i look for the plums... and i can't find them. There i am pacing up and down the plum isle with the biggest load of toilet paper a man can get. Luckily there are 3 people stocking produce so i ask one guy "do you have any prune plumbs"... "Prune Plumb? What's that?" he said. Now my first reaction is a little shock... how could you work in produce in plum season and not know what a prune plum is? But i say with clarity "Italian prune plum a little purple plum shaped like a little football"... hint: when talking to Americans, if you can work in a football analogy you might get somewhere. "Prune plum" he said loudly and we go back over the plums and each plum pointed out to me is not a prune plum, so he asks a lady stocking peaches... "prune plum!" she exclaims... by this time a small crowd is gathering. Oh maybe in Organics... alas i think perhaps we are getting somewhere, but no there are no prune plumbs in the store... only me with the equivalent of 72 rolls of toilet paper and 3 store employees yelling "prune plum"! The one yells "do you need some prunes!" It is around this time I realize that beyond a shadow of a doubt i have become the main attraction in this part of the store and even a kind older lady quietly tells me where the Metamucil is stocked in another part of the store. "Are you sure these big purple plums won't work for you?" the first guy asks... "No thank you, the Damson plumbs are not the kind of plumbs my children would like in their lunch" i reply trying to salvage what bit of dignity i may have left at this point.
Anyway i saved money.
