Friday, September 28, 2012

Butterfingers Robertson

It's actually a very easy to dump a can of paint on your head... you would think that that kind of action would be left for the mentally challenged, which i can be on many days, but it can happen very easily you see.

I live in a new house, or a newly remodeled house for that matter, and the exterior is flanked with cedar shake shingles.  I have lived in a few houses in my day and owned a few of them as well... the thing is you only get one chance at a pristine exterior.  Coat that bad boy with Sikkens clear coat and you will be happy for many years... or you can let it slowly start decaying and say to yourself in 8 years "oh man we got to do something about this siding"... as i said earlier, sometimes the best defense is a good offense.

In my house in Vancouver, Myself, Kevin and Pete built a cedar stake fence in the yard.  Kevin soaked the fence in Sikkens clear coat and the fence was shining for years... still is i believe.  Too many damn plants growing on the fence now to hit it again... I know a certain woman who would go ape shit if one were to harm those plants.  Speaking of that i might have stomped a fern today getting a hard to reach area under the front porch.  Some people can swill a beer and chuckle at the collateral damage done to the plants, others can not.  For the record the fern will be fine... i predict a fine fern blossoming next spring.  That is of course if I'm still alive after doing the high ladder work at the front peak of the house.  Perhaps a little climbing harness attached to the bunk beds in the twins room might be a wise idea.  Cause when you are painting all kinds of strange things can go wrong.

You could go to a pro paint store and have a guy tell you you can't roll stain with a foam roller after you have rolled a quarter of the house with it and found it rather satisfactory.  Sure it works the foam, but for a few bucks a pop, i don't get the "you can't".  People are strange, one of the true constants in life... i was liking the way the foam roller could jam into the underside of the cedar shingle soaking it with fine protective juice.  Using a wool roller now, and it can deal as well... good for the diagonal swipes wetting up the underside.  Obviously you have to adjust your technique to the tools you have... for example rather than go all the way down the ladder to reload on paint you can hitch the rolling pan on the top of one of those short ladders that i just had to look up on the internet for the name, which is a step ladder.  yea the paint goes up there... but don't forget that it's up there later when you are painting and talking on the phone to your mother who happens to be confused over the issue of how she broke her hip, because if you move that ladder you might just end up pouring that paint on your head, which makes for a most unfortunate and shocking turn of events.  You need to maintain the conversation, which is pretty easy given it is a rotation of the same 3 points... you also need to strip naked in the front of your house and make it into the sink to begin trying to wash your head and eye.  For the record i was on speaker phone... i talk to mom every day for like 45 minutes it helps give her a sense of normalcy as she slips into a deeper state of dementia.  I often call her when i am making dinner... i need to multitask... it's a sad thing, i can't have the same conversation every day in liu of getting something done so i have combined my life to have that conversation, on speaker phone, while i am doing a task that will keep me in one spot for a while... this way  sometimes the kids chime in, and that makes mom happy.

I should note Mom is in the hospital as she broke her hip so calling her in the hospital is quite the chore... moving rooms, have to call the nurse station to tell the nurse to go answer the phone in her room and give it to her... it is what it is.  Mom's big worry today was that she had ruined Christmas by falling, so i thought we can have this conversation while i paint, only when i went back out i kind of started down low in a section... talking and painting, try to help her through the maze.  I painted the whole low section and then needed a ladder to get higher forgetting of course that the paint tray was on top of the ladder, telling my mother that it's not her fault and no she is not stupid for falling... me grabbing the ladder to move it, and dumping the paint contents right on my head, ruining my good man orange cap, and my Carl Fatrman roadbed shirt, my shoes, my eyeball.

The feeling of failure... did i just really do that, clearly i did.  i read somewhere that the trick to painting was to keep only the tip of the brush hairs wet...  not pour the paint over your own hair.

Then later soaping my head (luckily the stain will come out with soap and water) i managed to pour soapy water directly into my ear.  From our physics and biology classes we remember that soap reduces water surface tension right?  That's why you dip insect riddled plants in soapy water solution.. the soapy water will allow the water (with lower surface tension) to invade the spiracles of the insect and hence drown them.  So you see where i am going here.. i soap water my ear canal opening the flood gates for a future ear infection... just to make matters worse.

It was a good lesson however: 1) don't do my own electrical, 2) remember that you are a non thinking jackass when you are up on that ladder... if you catch yourself trying to improvise stop before you start.

Do I have any more points to make?  Where was I, how much life force did i lose in today's video game. Was that me at the parent teacher conference reeking of cedar stain trying to appear professional? what's wrong with my right eye... oh just trying to cry out the linseed oil on my cornea, it's all good... so you say my children are doing well in school.. chip off the old block i say.

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