Monday, December 24, 2012

If i had a hammer

Should a man really be up until 4am trying to bounce track 3 and 4 to track 7 and 8, and then go to bed unsuccessful even after following the instructions?  I mean instructions are weird bastards... way too much info on the errant puffery and then at a crucial step something kind of gets sideways mentioned about some process that you should really know about.

I mean if i go and buy a hammer from the hardware store, bring it home, line up a nail and the thing surprises me with an unexpected and un-called for random back kick that knocks out my front tooth, am i then suppose to go an wade through a manual to find out how to shut off the random back kick feature of my new hammer? I guess i have to do it, cause teeth are expensive here in America... ahh there it is under functions in Menu 19... there it is on.  You wonder why somebody would put that feature in the hammer, but you know kids today... they listen to the trance music, which gives them the brain damage.

So there, i have my hammer and my nail, and my hockey helmet with face mask for good measure and it's time to get down to business... but the damn hammer won't hit the nail, are you fucking kidding me?  Oh wait i guess i need to pre enable this function... there we go, i enable the bastard, and to be honest I'm a little hot right now so i point the hammer at the nail and it leaps out of my hands hits the nail sideways and then drives it bent over into the pristine fir sideboard doing damage and causing more rage.  After another hour pouring over the fucking instructions it seems i had enabled the "bend the nail but keep smashing it into the wood sideways", also known as the "drunken carpenter" function.

Now i have to go online for help, cause that's what we do now... of course a youtube video with a man relaxing in a recliner as a hammer flies around and constructs a whole house for him as he naps in and out of consciousness.  It's a 15 minute video and the intro is 3 minutes long, and i think if i had my old hammer that nail would have been in in 4 seconds.




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